By now, we’ve all heard John McCain tout “Joe the Plumber” (an unlicensed plumber) as his poster child for the middle-class American, but what many Americans don’t know is that John McCain went through a lengthy selection process (even longer than the selection process for Sarah Palin) to find the right poster child to exploit.

Here are the top 10 Runners-Up that John McCain had been considering:

#1- Sam the Eagle
John McCain was really enthusiastic about the possibilities of recruiting Sam the Eagle; he was a stoic speaker and an iconic representation of American Values. Sadly, John was crushed when he learned that Sam the Eagle had previously been employed by Jim Henson, a flagrant liberal.

#2- Del tha Funkee Homosapian:
Del was a preferred mascot until his association with a group called the “Gorilaz” came to light. Despite repeated assertions that they are a music group, the McCain campaign was convinced that the Gorilaz might be publicly perceived as an Afro-centric domestic terrorist organization.

#3- Harry the Demolition Expert:
John McCain was initially excited about Harry’s potential, but was disappointed to discover that his nickname was “Crazy Harry” and that focus groups frequently mistook him for Castro.

#4- Shelly the Nurse:
John McCain was really excited about Shelly’s potential as a token middle-class mascot, but backed down after intense pressure from his female staffers. He couldn’t understand why they were so upset, but he just assumed that they had better insight into American’s public perceptions of Asian people.

#5- Mike the Autoworker
Mike was dropped from consideration as soon as word came out that General Motors closed the plant where he worked and outsourced his job to India. Awkward.

#6- Dilbert the Engineer:
Dilbert was under consideration until Dilbert’s perpetual bachelorhood raised questions about his sexual identity.

#7- Cletus the Minstrel:
Cletus was under consideration until John McCain realized that questions about Cletus’ racial identity might be misconstrued as a “race card” attack on Barack Obama and his mixed etnicity.

#8- José the Strawberry Picker
Jose was under consideration until staffers suggested that his public image might negatively affected by the discomfort that Americans feel towards men with mustaches.

#9- Bob the Builder:
Bob the builder was under consideration until one of John McCain’s staffers alerted him that Bob the Builder’s union credentials might come into question.

#10- Larry the Cable Guy:
John McCain had considered recruiting Larry the Cable Guy, but after seeing Delta Farce, he decided that Larry the Cable Guy’s military service record might come into question.

The Republican Party has spent the last few days in an awkward spiral of jingoism, as evidenced by a slew of controversial statements. Let’s review the events of the last few days:

Friday, 10/17:

Representative Michele Bachman (R-Minnesota) states that she is “very concerned that [Barack Obama] may have anti-American views”

Saturday, 10/18

Representative Robin Hayes (R- North Carolina) tells a crowd that “liberals hate real Americans that …believe in God.”

Sunday, 10/19

Sarah Palin levies a new line of attack against Barack Obama by implying that an Obama Presidency would be an “experiment with socialism”.

Tuesday, 10/21:

Sarah Palin is forced to apologize for earlier suggestions that some areas of the United States are “Pro-America”; and that, by association, other areas of the country are less patriotic.

My fellow Americans, this is NOT an isolated series of unrelated Gaffs. These gaffes are the embarrassing side-effect of the Republican Party’s mindset; that it can successfully use the tactics of Joseph McCarthy, a politician who gained power by publicly targeting individuals and groups as Anti-American, Communists, and Atheists.

Yes, these statements are evidence that the Republican Party is returning to the values of McCarthyism to help them win this election. They do, in fact, want to paint Barack Obama as a communist, but they can’t because they wouldn’t be taken seriously.

Instead, the Republican Party is exploiting politically convenient semantics; “socialism” is closely enough associated with “communism” to concern Americans.

What the Republican Party has risked by playing by Joseph McCarthy’s rules is the possibility of redefining the concept of the “Red Scare”.

In a move that is sure to rattle Republicans more than Barack Obama’s misinterpreted “lipstick on a pig” comment, conservative columnist David Brooks decried Sarah Palin as a “fatal cancer to the Republican party”. He went on to say that, like George W. Bush, Sarah Palin prejudicially scorns not only liberal ideas, but ideas entirely. Continuing his criticism, he also added that Sarah Palin is “absolutely not ready to be president or vice president”.

Conversely, David Brooks praised Barack Obama as a “dazzling” intellectual with “tremendous powers of social perception”. Furthermore, Mr. Brooks admitted to being highly impressed by Barack Obama’s phenomenal ability to build a team of “the most impressive people in the Democratic party”, adding that the people Barack Obama has chosen are “exactly the people I think most of us would want to choose”.

Mr. Brooks also predicts a 9-Point Obama Victory this November.

It’s a powerful statement about the stability and the electability of the Republican Party when its former mouthpieces are abandoning The SS. GOP. Perhaps they know something that the rest of the Party doesn’t.

In talking about the economy at a rally in Pennsylvania today, John McCain had a rather amusing gaff:

“Across this country, this is the agenda I have set before my fellow prisoners.“

As I see it, there are five possible explanations for this gaff:

1) He had been hoping to invoke his experience as a Prisoner of War (yet again) as one his credentials sometime during this speech.

2) This gaff is the result of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The traumatic experience of campaigning, especially after last night’s rhetorical beat-down at the hands of Barack Obama, has been stressful enough to trigger random flashbacks. These flashbacks, in turn, are the subconcious basis for his Freudian Slip.

3) John McCain shares Ronald Reagan’s senility in addition to his values.

4) This is the latent result of Brain Damage that John McCain suffered during the Vietnam War.

5) This is a desperate cry for help, because Cindy McCain and Sarah Palin have secretly conspired to hold him hostage and force him to run for President.