Most people know Rob Zombie as a rock star, film director, and horror enthusiast. He has had a profound effect on American culture, both among the Evangelicals whom he makes nervous, and among the counter-culture, whom he inspires. Yet, his public image aside, Rob Zombie is a champion of of American Values.

Rob Zombie, born Robert Cummings Jr, was born to middle-class parents who, after years working in carnivals, settled down to raise Rob and his brother in the small, suburban town of Haverhill, Massachusetts. The boredom that Rob Zombie endured there pushed him to find escape through countless hours of television, through which he developed his fascination with horror movies.

Not satisfied with being simply a fan, Rob Zombie relentlessly dedicated himself to being part of the culture that he loved so much. Despite unfruitful tenures at New York City’s Parsons the New School for Design and Pratt Institute, Rob Zombie nonetheless broke into the entertainment industry as a bike messenger for Pee Wee’s Playhouse, during which he founded White Zombie, the horror-themed alternative metal band that would eventually go Platinum.

When asked during an interview with HollywoodJesus.com if he had a message for his fans, Rob Zombie replied:

Do what you want with your life and don’t listen to anyone. The people around you always try and stop you because they are afraid that you will succeed.

Despite his unorthodox public persona, Rob Zombie’s personal life is surprisingly orthodox. An avowed “ethical vegetarian” since seeing a slaughterhouse film in high school, Rob Zombie has also avoided drug and alcohol abuse. As he puts it, “I certainly didn’t achieve anything by being wasted and f*cked up.” Similarly, his albums (although often laced with graphic imagery) are, with a handful of exceptions, devoid of profanity.

While Rob Zombie has his own strong opinions, he also shies away from imposing them on others. By his own admission, Rob Zombie believes that

“It is best to not discuss Religion or Politics. It always ends in broken noses…because it upsets people to question their faith in things be it Jesus or George Bush. It’s easier to just get angry.”

Rob Zombie’s non-imposing activism was evidenced in a 2007 Thanksgiving message that he recorded for PETA’s holiday hotline in which he praised turkeys, decried Butterball’s slaughterhouse treatment of them, and urged supporters to call Butterball and tell them to stop the torture of “these gentle, smart, and social birds”

In a similarly-minded display of activism, Rob Zombie also encouraged his myspace fans to participate in the electoral process in a non-partisan November 3rd, 2008 blog post:

‘I’m not telling you how to vote. That is up to you. I just thought it would be interesting to hear how you all feel about things. But be smart if you comment. Don’t just start calling each other names. It’s America, so if you really believe in it, then everybody should be heard.”

Rob Zombie is married to Sherri Moon Zombie, his companion of nearly 20 years, and although they have no children, they still espouse traditional, middle-class family values. They welcome trick-or-treaters to their house on Halloween, and they have even toned down their Halloween decor after discovering that it frightened them away.

In Rob Zombie, we have a cultural icon who is a positive American Role Model. In the founding spirit of democracy, he affirms his own beliefs while respecting those of others. He abstains from drug and alcohol abuse while embracing traditional, monogamous relationships. And lastly, Rob Zombie shows us how the power of ambition can help us achieve our dreams, no matter how bizarre they are.

The Media is buzzing with the news that Barack Obama is going to give his daughters a new puppy, and people around the world are gossiping about what breed of dog he will choose. However, Barack Obama must be careful in choosing this puppy, as the wrong choice of puppy could offend his overly-sensitive constituents.

Here are the top 10 politically incorrect choices of Breeds:

1- German Shepherd.

German Shepherds have been forever “Godwinned” due to their preference among the Nazis. Choosing a German Shepherd puppy will likely cause Barack Obama’s Pro-Israel and Zionist Jewish constituents to kvetch.

2- Afghan Hound

This breed’s nominal association with Afghanistan, and by extension Al-Queda and Osama Bin Laden, will certainly inflame the passions of freepers, hard-line neoconservatives, and “Obama is a Muslim” conspiracy theorists.

3- Bloodhound

The Bloodhound is another breed with an unfortunate historical association. Slave holders frequently used Bloodhounds to track down, and sometimes kill, runaway slaves. Al Sharpton and the NAACP will have a field day if Barack Obama chooses a Bloodhound.

4- Chihuahua

Chihuahuas are closely associated with Mexicans, so choosing this breed will convince neoconservatives and freepers that Barack Obama must somehow sympathize with illegal immigrants.

5-Russian Spaniel

Choosing a Russian Spaniel, by the merit of the breed’s name, will also stoke neoconservatives and freepers, many of whom already believe that Barack Obama is a secret Socialist/Marxist/Communist.

6-Tibetan Spaniel

Tibet is fighting for it’s autonomy from Chinese dictatorship. While this choice of breed will doubtlessly please liberals, it will give the Chinese Government propagandic fodder with which to make international diplomacy more difficult.

7- St. Bernard

The St. Bernard is yet another breed with an unfortunate nominal association. Secularist and atheist wingnuts will see this as an endorsement of Religion, and Protestant wingnuts will see this as an endorsement of Catholicism.

8- American Eskimo

Choosing a breed that nominally targets a minority will offend the wingnuts who wish to accuse Barack Obama of racism.

9-Greyhound

Choosing a greyhound will be seen as product placement for Greyhound Bus Lines, and it will offend the Humane Society, which loathes Greyhound Racing.

10- Poodle

Poodles are tied to the idea of surrender and passive obedience, not only because they are French, but because Tony Blair was often regarded as George W. Bush’s poodle. Those who want to attack Barack Obama’s foreign policy ideology will go nuts over this choice of breed.

More than 100 Trillion pieces of Junk Mail (an average of almost A Thousand Pieces per Household) are sent per year. Junk Mail consumes more than 6.5 million tons of paper (or 100 million trees) annually per year, and the average American will waste 8 months of their lives having to deal with it.

89% of Americans would like to not receive junk mail, and 44% never even open it. Despite this, the United States Postal Service has, through intense lobbying, squashed the numerous attempts to allow Americans to “Opt Out” of receiving junk mail. Since 2007, none of the 19 States that have suggested “Do Not Mail” legislation has been able to pass a law protecting Americans against Junk Mail.

Why is the Post Office opposed to “Do Not Mail” legislation? Because junk mail is Americans’ problem, not the United States Postal Service’s. In fact, Junk Mail makes up more than 50 percent of the mail they deliver and earns them more than 30 Million Dollars a year. In short, Junk Mail is the United States Postal Service’s Cash Cow

Here is a simple, 2 step solution to the problem of Junk Mail that involves only a black marker:

Step 1) When you get junk mail, write RETURN TO SENDER in big letters across the top.

Step 2) Postal Workers hate having to return junk mail, and they will make every attempt to re-deliver it to you. Thwart their attempts to re-deliver it to you by crossing out your address with a black marker and placing your junk mail in a blue mailbox.

As your junk mail is now undeliverable to everybody except the people who sent it to you, The United States Postal Service will have no legal option but to either properly dispose of your junk mail for you or return it to the sender at their own expense.

This solution to the Junk Mail makes the Postal Service earn its 30 Million Dollars and makes Junk Mail their problem, not ours.

John McCain lost the election due to mistakes that are the hallmarks of failed High School Student Council Elections. These are four of the lessons that John McCain should have remembered from High School:

1: The Homecoming Queen is rarely a good candidate: high school kids are smart enough to realize that candidates whose main appeal is their image usually have neither the ability nor the desire to serve their community.  In choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate, John McCain assumed that her image would outweigh her lack of substance. It didn’t.

2: Avoid brown-nosing the Administration: in high school, the candidate who publicly tows the Principal’s line at the students’ expense is destined to fail. By voting with President Bush against the interests of the American people 95% of the time, John McCain made just such an alignment.

3: Regular Kids resent Rich Kids and their followers: High School kids have little respect for rich kids. So when a rich kid tries to “get in” with the regular kids with the help of one of his followers, they both become social pariahs. In recruiting “Joe the Plumber” as his mascot, John McCain assumed that Joe would bolster his popularity with the middle class.

4: Don’t Play Dirty: playing dirty usually backfires and, additionally, makes a person look bad (worse) in the community. John McCain’s attempts to tie Barack Obama to terrorists, communists, extremists, and elitists had just that effect.

Halloween is America’s most patriotic holiday because it is a celebration of life and the founding spirit of ambition. For one night a year, every American has an equal opportunity to pretend that they are whatever they aspire to be,  free of society’s judgment.

Unlike Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and Easter, Halloween doesn’t endorse a specific religion’s history; in the case of former, it also doesn’t violate the constitutional separation of Church and State by being deemed a National Holiday.

Furthermore, Halloween also doesn’t impose a jingoistic and willfully ignorant understanding of history on Americans, unlike Columbus Day and Thanksgiving. Halloween isn’t about celebrating the national identity we’re expected to have, it’s about celebrating the individual identity we want to have.

If eccentric showoffs like Uncle Sam, Davy Crockett, and Paul Revere can achieve Folk Hero status, then there’s room for us ordinary Americans to make spectacles of ourselves once a year. And therein lies the ultimate patriotic truth: Halloween is Americans’ annual opportunity to, in the words of our Army, Be All That We Can Be.

By now, we’ve all heard John McCain tout “Joe the Plumber” (an unlicensed plumber) as his poster child for the middle-class American, but what many Americans don’t know is that John McCain went through a lengthy selection process (even longer than the selection process for Sarah Palin) to find the right poster child to exploit.

Here are the top 10 Runners-Up that John McCain had been considering:

#1- Sam the Eagle
John McCain was really enthusiastic about the possibilities of recruiting Sam the Eagle; he was a stoic speaker and an iconic representation of American Values. Sadly, John was crushed when he learned that Sam the Eagle had previously been employed by Jim Henson, a flagrant liberal.

#2- Del tha Funkee Homosapian:
Del was a preferred mascot until his association with a group called the “Gorilaz” came to light. Despite repeated assertions that they are a music group, the McCain campaign was convinced that the Gorilaz might be publicly perceived as an Afro-centric domestic terrorist organization.

#3- Harry the Demolition Expert:
John McCain was initially excited about Harry’s potential, but was disappointed to discover that his nickname was “Crazy Harry” and that focus groups frequently mistook him for Castro.

#4- Shelly the Nurse:
John McCain was really excited about Shelly’s potential as a token middle-class mascot, but backed down after intense pressure from his female staffers. He couldn’t understand why they were so upset, but he just assumed that they had better insight into American’s public perceptions of Asian people.

#5- Mike the Autoworker
Mike was dropped from consideration as soon as word came out that General Motors closed the plant where he worked and outsourced his job to India. Awkward.

#6- Dilbert the Engineer:
Dilbert was under consideration until Dilbert’s perpetual bachelorhood raised questions about his sexual identity.

#7- Cletus the Minstrel:
Cletus was under consideration until John McCain realized that questions about Cletus’ racial identity might be misconstrued as a “race card” attack on Barack Obama and his mixed etnicity.

#8- José the Strawberry Picker
Jose was under consideration until staffers suggested that his public image might negatively affected by the discomfort that Americans feel towards men with mustaches.

#9- Bob the Builder:
Bob the builder was under consideration until one of John McCain’s staffers alerted him that Bob the Builder’s union credentials might come into question.

#10- Larry the Cable Guy:
John McCain had considered recruiting Larry the Cable Guy, but after seeing Delta Farce, he decided that Larry the Cable Guy’s military service record might come into question.

The Republican Party has spent the last few days in an awkward spiral of jingoism, as evidenced by a slew of controversial statements. Let’s review the events of the last few days:

Friday, 10/17:

Representative Michele Bachman (R-Minnesota) states that she is “very concerned that [Barack Obama] may have anti-American views”

Saturday, 10/18

Representative Robin Hayes (R- North Carolina) tells a crowd that “liberals hate real Americans that …believe in God.”

Sunday, 10/19

Sarah Palin levies a new line of attack against Barack Obama by implying that an Obama Presidency would be an “experiment with socialism”.

Tuesday, 10/21:

Sarah Palin is forced to apologize for earlier suggestions that some areas of the United States are “Pro-America”; and that, by association, other areas of the country are less patriotic.

My fellow Americans, this is NOT an isolated series of unrelated Gaffs. These gaffes are the embarrassing side-effect of the Republican Party’s mindset; that it can successfully use the tactics of Joseph McCarthy, a politician who gained power by publicly targeting individuals and groups as Anti-American, Communists, and Atheists.

Yes, these statements are evidence that the Republican Party is returning to the values of McCarthyism to help them win this election. They do, in fact, want to paint Barack Obama as a communist, but they can’t because they wouldn’t be taken seriously.

Instead, the Republican Party is exploiting politically convenient semantics; “socialism” is closely enough associated with “communism” to concern Americans.

What the Republican Party has risked by playing by Joseph McCarthy’s rules is the possibility of redefining the concept of the “Red Scare”.

According to The Hill, Susan Bruce, a campaign blogger for New Hampshire Representative Carol Shea-Porter, was recently forced to resign after she raised the legitimate concern about Sarah Palin’s abysmal public treatment of her children, including her down syndrome afflicted son, Trig:

“I don’t think that putting a scarlet letter on your own teenager and throwing her to the wolves in front of the whole world is something to be proud of [and] I don’t think that using a special needs baby as a prop on late night TV appearances is a value to crow about.”

Since being selected to the Republican Ticket, Sarah Palin has made a continuous spectacle of appearing at public speaking events with Trig. Likewise, Sarah Palin has cast her unwed, pregnant, teenage daughter Bristol into the spotlight in an attempt to emphasise her “traditional family” values.

There is a gratuitous example of misplaced outrage. The GOP’s complaint was that such comments wouldn’t be permissible against Barack Obama. And they’re right.

Complaints about Barack Obama aren’t permissible because Barack Obama is a responsible parent who keeps his children in school, where they belong.

The LAST thing that a pregnant teenager and a mentally challenged infant deserve is the agenda-driven overexposure to the stress of a political campaign. If the Palin Family was being investigated by Social Services, the Palin children would have been placed in protective custody by now.

Susan Bruce was forced to resign because, in the absence of social services, somebody had to raise these legitimate concerns about Sarah Palin’s parenting skills. And in the abscense of the GOPs family values, somebody had to be martyred for doing so.

According to The Washington Post George W. Bush explicitly endorsed the CIA’s use of torture interrogation techniques such as waterboarding against al-Qaeda suspects, despite his repeated assertions that “The United States Doesn’t Torture”.

Even though it’s common knowledge, “George W. Bush is a liar” is really becoming a boring explanation for why the credibility of his statements doesn’t hold up.

So here’s a new explanation: George Bush was telling the truth, in a manner of speaking. The reason that President Bush’s explicit endorsement of waterboarding doesn’t contradict his assertion that the “United States Doesn’t Torture” is that he misunderstood what “waterboarding” meant when he approved of it.

This is what George W. Bush imagined when he approved of “Waterboarding”:

According to The New York Times, a recent Republican fund raising reception managed to suck more than a million dollars out of the hands of hundreds of Hillary Clinton’s fair-weather supporters, some of whom traitorously contributed more than twenty five thousand dollars of their blood money to John McCain.

This disgusting display of misplaced activism is evident that there continues to be a serious problem with self-professed Hillary Clinton “supporters” naively backstabbing her and her feminist values in order to support Sarah Palin.

In flocking to Sarah Palin, they seem unable to imagine what rights women would have achieved had the womens’ suffrage movement had been led by a beauty pageant contestant instead of Susan B. Anthony.

They also seem unable to see see how this same standard applies to modern feminism. They are convinced that a woman whom John McCain chose as his running mate solely for her beauty is more qualified to carry the Feminist Torch than women who have dedicated their entire lives to advancing women’s rights.

Many of these women chose to betray Hillary Clinton because Barack Obama, the candidate she has endorsed and who most closely supports her legacy, defeated her in the Democratic Primary race.

In a spiteful and naive attempt to hurt Barack Obama, these women are putting their energy and resources behind a candidate with a legacy of regressing, not advancing, womens’ rights.

If women take offense to their gender being the butt of jokes, then I am saddened that the profound irony of their stupidity is lost on these women.