29 Oct, 2008
McCain’s Top 10 Rejected “_____ the _____” Middle-Class Mascots
By now, we’ve all heard John McCain tout “Joe the Plumber” (an unlicensed plumber) as his poster child for the middle-class American, but what many Americans don’t know is that John McCain went through a lengthy selection process (even longer than the selection process for Sarah Palin) to find the right poster child to exploit.
Here are the top 10 Runners-Up that John McCain had been considering:
#1- Sam the Eagle
John McCain was really enthusiastic about the possibilities of recruiting Sam the Eagle; he was a stoic speaker and an iconic representation of American Values. Sadly, John was crushed when he learned that Sam the Eagle had previously been employed by Jim Henson, a flagrant liberal.
#2- Del tha Funkee Homosapian:
Del was a preferred mascot until his association with a group called the “Gorilaz” came to light. Despite repeated assertions that they are a music group, the McCain campaign was convinced that the Gorilaz might be publicly perceived as an Afro-centric domestic terrorist organization.
#3- Harry the Demolition Expert:
John McCain was initially excited about Harry’s potential, but was disappointed to discover that his nickname was “Crazy Harry” and that focus groups frequently mistook him for Castro.
#4- Shelly the Nurse:
John McCain was really excited about Shelly’s potential as a token middle-class mascot, but backed down after intense pressure from his female staffers. He couldn’t understand why they were so upset, but he just assumed that they had better insight into American’s public perceptions of Asian people.
#5- Mike the Autoworker
Mike was dropped from consideration as soon as word came out that General Motors closed the plant where he worked and outsourced his job to India. Awkward.
#6- Dilbert the Engineer:
Dilbert was under consideration until Dilbert’s perpetual bachelorhood raised questions about his sexual identity.
#7- Cletus the Minstrel:
Cletus was under consideration until John McCain realized that questions about Cletus’ racial identity might be misconstrued as a “race card” attack on Barack Obama and his mixed etnicity.
#8- José the Strawberry Picker
Jose was under consideration until staffers suggested that his public image might negatively affected by the discomfort that Americans feel towards men with mustaches.
#9- Bob the Builder:
Bob the builder was under consideration until one of John McCain’s staffers alerted him that Bob the Builder’s union credentials might come into question.
#10- Larry the Cable Guy:
John McCain had considered recruiting Larry the Cable Guy, but after seeing Delta Farce, he decided that Larry the Cable Guy’s military service record might come into question.
