The Media is buzzing with the news that Barack Obama is going to give his daughters a new puppy, and people around the world are gossiping about what breed of dog he will choose. However, Barack Obama must be careful in choosing this puppy, as the wrong choice of puppy could offend his overly-sensitive constituents.

Here are the top 10 politically incorrect choices of Breeds:

1- German Shepherd.

German Shepherds have been forever “Godwinned” due to their preference among the Nazis. Choosing a German Shepherd puppy will likely cause Barack Obama’s Pro-Israel and Zionist Jewish constituents to kvetch.

2- Afghan Hound

This breed’s nominal association with Afghanistan, and by extension Al-Queda and Osama Bin Laden, will certainly inflame the passions of freepers, hard-line neoconservatives, and “Obama is a Muslim” conspiracy theorists.

3- Bloodhound

The Bloodhound is another breed with an unfortunate historical association. Slave holders frequently used Bloodhounds to track down, and sometimes kill, runaway slaves. Al Sharpton and the NAACP will have a field day if Barack Obama chooses a Bloodhound.

4- Chihuahua

Chihuahuas are closely associated with Mexicans, so choosing this breed will convince neoconservatives and freepers that Barack Obama must somehow sympathize with illegal immigrants.

5-Russian Spaniel

Choosing a Russian Spaniel, by the merit of the breed’s name, will also stoke neoconservatives and freepers, many of whom already believe that Barack Obama is a secret Socialist/Marxist/Communist.

6-Tibetan Spaniel

Tibet is fighting for it’s autonomy from Chinese dictatorship. While this choice of breed will doubtlessly please liberals, it will give the Chinese Government propagandic fodder with which to make international diplomacy more difficult.

7- St. Bernard

The St. Bernard is yet another breed with an unfortunate nominal association. Secularist and atheist wingnuts will see this as an endorsement of Religion, and Protestant wingnuts will see this as an endorsement of Catholicism.

8- American Eskimo

Choosing a breed that nominally targets a minority will offend the wingnuts who wish to accuse Barack Obama of racism.

9-Greyhound

Choosing a greyhound will be seen as product placement for Greyhound Bus Lines, and it will offend the Humane Society, which loathes Greyhound Racing.

10- Poodle

Poodles are tied to the idea of surrender and passive obedience, not only because they are French, but because Tony Blair was often regarded as George W. Bush’s poodle. Those who want to attack Barack Obama’s foreign policy ideology will go nuts over this choice of breed.

By now, we’ve all heard John McCain tout “Joe the Plumber” (an unlicensed plumber) as his poster child for the middle-class American, but what many Americans don’t know is that John McCain went through a lengthy selection process (even longer than the selection process for Sarah Palin) to find the right poster child to exploit.

Here are the top 10 Runners-Up that John McCain had been considering:

#1- Sam the Eagle
John McCain was really enthusiastic about the possibilities of recruiting Sam the Eagle; he was a stoic speaker and an iconic representation of American Values. Sadly, John was crushed when he learned that Sam the Eagle had previously been employed by Jim Henson, a flagrant liberal.

#2- Del tha Funkee Homosapian:
Del was a preferred mascot until his association with a group called the “Gorilaz” came to light. Despite repeated assertions that they are a music group, the McCain campaign was convinced that the Gorilaz might be publicly perceived as an Afro-centric domestic terrorist organization.

#3- Harry the Demolition Expert:
John McCain was initially excited about Harry’s potential, but was disappointed to discover that his nickname was “Crazy Harry” and that focus groups frequently mistook him for Castro.

#4- Shelly the Nurse:
John McCain was really excited about Shelly’s potential as a token middle-class mascot, but backed down after intense pressure from his female staffers. He couldn’t understand why they were so upset, but he just assumed that they had better insight into American’s public perceptions of Asian people.

#5- Mike the Autoworker
Mike was dropped from consideration as soon as word came out that General Motors closed the plant where he worked and outsourced his job to India. Awkward.

#6- Dilbert the Engineer:
Dilbert was under consideration until Dilbert’s perpetual bachelorhood raised questions about his sexual identity.

#7- Cletus the Minstrel:
Cletus was under consideration until John McCain realized that questions about Cletus’ racial identity might be misconstrued as a “race card” attack on Barack Obama and his mixed etnicity.

#8- José the Strawberry Picker
Jose was under consideration until staffers suggested that his public image might negatively affected by the discomfort that Americans feel towards men with mustaches.

#9- Bob the Builder:
Bob the builder was under consideration until one of John McCain’s staffers alerted him that Bob the Builder’s union credentials might come into question.

#10- Larry the Cable Guy:
John McCain had considered recruiting Larry the Cable Guy, but after seeing Delta Farce, he decided that Larry the Cable Guy’s military service record might come into question.

According to The Washington Post George W. Bush explicitly endorsed the CIA’s use of torture interrogation techniques such as waterboarding against al-Qaeda suspects, despite his repeated assertions that “The United States Doesn’t Torture”.

Even though it’s common knowledge, “George W. Bush is a liar” is really becoming a boring explanation for why the credibility of his statements doesn’t hold up.

So here’s a new explanation: George Bush was telling the truth, in a manner of speaking. The reason that President Bush’s explicit endorsement of waterboarding doesn’t contradict his assertion that the “United States Doesn’t Torture” is that he misunderstood what “waterboarding” meant when he approved of it.

This is what George W. Bush imagined when he approved of “Waterboarding”:

In talking about the economy at a rally in Pennsylvania today, John McCain had a rather amusing gaff:

“Across this country, this is the agenda I have set before my fellow prisoners.“

As I see it, there are five possible explanations for this gaff:

1) He had been hoping to invoke his experience as a Prisoner of War (yet again) as one his credentials sometime during this speech.

2) This gaff is the result of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The traumatic experience of campaigning, especially after last night’s rhetorical beat-down at the hands of Barack Obama, has been stressful enough to trigger random flashbacks. These flashbacks, in turn, are the subconcious basis for his Freudian Slip.

3) John McCain shares Ronald Reagan’s senility in addition to his values.

4) This is the latent result of Brain Damage that John McCain suffered during the Vietnam War.

5) This is a desperate cry for help, because Cindy McCain and Sarah Palin have secretly conspired to hold him hostage and force him to run for President.

A friend of mine at Showtime’s Customer Relations Department sent me this email that he once received in regards to “Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical”, Showtime’s 2005 Made-for-Television adaption of the farcical stage production.

Dear Showtime,

Peace Be With You,
Pastor John McGrath
Jesus the Holy Shepard Episcopalian Church
Topeka, Kansas